My Story
Here's my story, It's the only place in the world for me to have a bloody good whinge, so if you're likely to get bored by deep thought about everything on the planet, read no further.
Hello there, my name is B Noodles, I am glad you took the time to come to my small and insignificant Web Page. I am 13, and I live in Melbourne, Australia, the world capital of sport. What a pity it is that you can't even force me to play tiddly winks let alone actually get out and play some real sport. No, I much prefer sitting around and being the eccentric person I am. So what do I do if I don't play any sport? Well if you asked that question, you are obviously of the sort at my school, all physical, nothing mental. I have plenty of things better to do with my time than chase a ball around a field and kick it through a couple of goal posts, or whatever it is that you do. So, anyway I will answer your question, assuming you asked it. I am an actor, I have been in a few low-budget performances recently, (if you think I should be in yours, just ask me, I'm cheap!) I'm also a comedian, although I may sound nothing more than a mentally extreme weirdo to you on this page, I do comedy for radio, not only on my show The Scrap Shack on 99.9 EAR FM, but also on several other radio stations which I regularly harass over the phone. I'm a cartoonist, although I don't get around to doing a lot of it these days. I would show you some examples of my work, except I can't afford a scanner and I'm no good with a mouse! Back in the heyday of cartoons they didn't have computers you know! I also write stories, which if I ever get around to I will illustrate (one of these days!) and also put up on this page. The story I am most proud of is Operation Dudleigh, which I have been writing for two years. I hope to finish it soon, I'm up to the 210th page! Most of my other stories have been what I've written during those boring information technology classes when I'm supposed to be learning to touch type. Two-fingers-looking-at-the-keyboard has worked fine for this long! Then, of course, there's drumming. You should have seen me, with my chopsticks and phone books! Fortunately now I have a pair of drumsticks but I'm still bashing on a drum pad and using the couch for a bass drum. I need a kit! I do this a lot of the time, simply because it's so easy to start doing. I just switch on the radio and I can't help it...
OK, I lied, I do go out a bit. Not a lot, but I do a bit. Just to go for walks or bike riding. That's one physical activity I really do enjoy. It doesn't involve competition or 20 redneck school kids bashing the shit out of you for dropping a catch. I think that's all I like doing, oh, the last thing, I work for a Mac Freeware company, Arcadeus, however! I am not a computer nerd who hangs out at the news agency for the latest copy of C++ monthly, I don't know the first thing about C, except that the person who named it must have been pressed for time. I once tried to learn the language, but I gave up after I got every Web Page on the Internet in the search results for "C". I do some programming, but mainly splash graphics, sound and music.
The only other things I do are the weird things, really you don't want to hear about them. Hypnosis and Ouija boards. OK, I've said too much. Hypnosis works, it's really weird when you're under. It's actually a deep state of relaxation which can be self-induced and used for fun. By fun, I don't mean pretending to be a chicken, but things like my ecstasy routine. Geez that feels good! Oh, and the Ouija board? I was told by a friend, one whom I don't think would lie to me, that they work, and that you can communicate with dead people. I'm still a little skeptical, and I still haven't got it to work, but maybe one day I will. Stranger things have happened!
So what sort of stuff do I like?
On TV, I mainly watch the ABC (yeah, you saw that coming, didn't you?) for their brilliant shows like Frontline, and all the great British Comedy, Monty Python being a favourite, it's right up my alley. I like stuff on commercial networks as well, but I absolutely can't stand American rubbish like Friends and Seinfeld. It doesn't bother me that other people like those shows, but really does Australia's Top Ten TV Shows have to be 80% American? On many weeks it is. I love all that weird stuff on SBS as well! On which other station can you get a hilarious Italian film, Singaporean sitcoms, Short Film Shows and after all that the hilarious ratings-topper South Park? Yeah, I'm not completely anti-American, there's just something about Jerry Seinfield that makes me want to rip his lungs out and show them to him before he dies. Being a cartoonist, I also thoroughly enjoy cartoons. Mild ones like Garfield and Rocko's Modern life, though. Not crap like Ren & Stimpy, Beavis and Butthead or Duckman.
So what sort of music do I like? Certainly not what most people expect me to like. If you live in Melbourne, listen to my show and you'll find out! Here is a list of all my CDs. Really though, most people laugh when I tell them this, but I like everything from Classical to Korn. Well not everything, of course, I can't stand pop and I don't like Hanson, but what's even worse is people who say Hanson are gay. Bloody hell, so they have sex with men because their music is crap?
I was quite embarrassed buying the Korn CD at Brash's, I don't look like a Korn person, and to add to that, because I'm only 13 I had to get my mum to come and say I could buy it. As my mum said, it's nothing I haven't heard before. Just come to my school and see, you can't walk down the corridor without hearing a dozen f words and much worse. I can't stand people who find it necessary to say that in every sentence! Forgive me for sounding like my mother, but the youth these days...Half of the people in my grade are the absolute scum of the Earth. I spent three days on camp in a tent with four arseholes, and four of my friends. The beds were wonky, so what do they do? Rock them as hard as they can. I fell asleep first, so apparently I'm gay. According to Ben my friend, the food was as bad as in an orphanage. Paul the arsehole promptly responded:
"How would you know what the food in an orphanage is like?" There were several "I was going to say that"s from around the table. It's as if there's something wrong with being an orphan! Oh, my bed did collapse, by the way, but I wasn't under it.
The teachers at my school are just as bad, I hate dictators, so obviously I don't get on too well with a lot of the staff at my school. I remember my friend Daniel showing me something in the newspaper which basically summed up the PE teachers (the worst of the lot.) It was an ad in The Age for their Friday Sports liftout. "Sport. It's compulsory."
Having said that, some of the Teachers are the nicest I have met anywhere and I can actually get involved in a conversation with them. It certainly makes a nice change from all the Hypocrisy and abuse. The worst incidents being several students being violently hit, and one on camp being forced to stand outside in the cold for an hour in his boxers. We may just tell the Education Department one day...
Well that's it for the moment. If you have read this far I thank you sincerely and hope you weren't bored by my thoughts on the world today.
I hope you come back soon when I add more to this page, and possibly a few stories I have written. And there are photos coming soon, just so that you can all have a good laugh at what I look like. One day I'll rule the world...